The craggy cliffs are treacherous; the gentle bobbing of the brook nearby seems to help in calming my racing heartbeat. For there he is, standing tall and handsome; all grown-up and touted to be the next best super sleuth of the country (not mine, but nevertheless). He is just as I imagined him- fourteen. Dressed in a jersey and shorts, he turns slowly towards me as I hear his name roll from my lips…”Julian”, I sigh and run towards him, hopping from stone to stone in the brook. Splash! I lose my balance and fall into the brook…and I’m shaken from my pleasant daydream as I sit and watch the kids swim mindlessly in the indoor pool. I blush scarlet. Did I just say Julian? I look around sheepishly, hoping no one has heard me.
Growing up in an all-girls school, our tryst with boys (apart from brothers, cousins and the like) was rare and I recall most clearly discussing characters from books in furtive whispers. Initially, it was characters from the ubiquitous Enid Blyton books and then these moved on to other young adult fiction like Todd and Bruce from Sweet Valley High. But there was always some male protagonist or other who was “crush-material”.
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I am not the only one! Run a Google Search and you will find approximately 25,000,000 results on fictional crushes; many of them are pop quizzes on who yours is; others try to convince you that it is perfectly normal to be crushing on fictional characters. There is even a term for it- Fictiophilia. My journey as a fictiophile has been a tumultuous one and in some ways, has influenced my notions of romance growing up.
Let’s rewind 25-odd years ago to a time where librarians gushed about Blyton’s innate ability to do what Wren and Martin couldn’t- improve grammatical sense and build a sound vocabulary. But, if there was anything that Enid Blyton introduced me to, it was her steady stream of interesting archetypical male protagonists.
Julian (yes, him!) was the strong, responsible good guy with unquestionable moral values from Blyton’s Famous Five series. And he “grew” over the 21 books in the series. Starting at 12 years old in the first one, the last mention of his age (in Five Fall into Adventure) is as a 16 year old. While the 13-year-old me gushed about how strong he was, how well-mannered he was (validated by Uncle Quentin who was a grown-up and knew about these things) and how he had such awesome leadership skills, in retrospect Julian does appear to be a male chauvinist who believed only he knew what girls are capable of doing and should be doing (read: prepare meals, tidy-up and ensure everyone’s beds were made).
Then there was Fredrick Algernon Trotteville aka Fatty, the 13-year old team leader of Blyton’s The Five Find-Outers series. He was the “ultimate catch” – with rich parents who were forever globe-totting, a big house and lots of pocket money to treat the rest of the team to lemonade and ice-cream during their adventures. Oh, he was the one that I’d definitely take home to meet the parents. He had me at disguises and invisible ink! I’d go weak in the knees just seeing him transform from a teenager into an old man, a tramp, a balloon lady and even Napolean Bonaparte! I mean, that totally outbid the fact that he would have been a terrible boyfriend- snobbish and boastful and only kind to anyone who worshipped the ground he walked on (read: the youngest member, Bets).
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In my teen years, I believe that my fictional crushes did influence the real-life ones I had; the longest crush I had was on a guy who was an ‘all-rounder’ (gosh, wasn’t that word used a lot in school!). He was an ace at academics (a la Fatty), was head boy of the school (a la William from The Naughtiest Girl series), had great leadership skills (a la Julian from The Famous Five) and fun, playful yet intelligent (think, another Julian from The Naughtiest Girl series).
Obviously, I didn’t know better! Of course, what one considers desirable in one’s teen years might still influence whom you seek at 25. But little did I know then that romance was not about having a drop-dead gorgeous boyfriend, nor superficial attributes such as singing like a popstar.
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As I grew, so did my reading habits, and I discovered a whole new range of fictional crushes, especially in the classics. The one that nearly made the mark as ‘The One’ for me was the eponymous hero of Charles Dickens’ David Copperfield – or as I would have certainly called him, Davy. I imagine how adorable he must have been as he lisped “Barkis is willin’” to Peggotty his companion, and how shocked he must have been to realise that he was actually proposing on behalf of Barkis. Or how endearingly gawky he must have been as a young adult, infatuated with Dora Spenlow, and how entitled and piggish his unhappiness with her ineptitude as a ‘wife’ ( a cook, domestic help etc.)!
But he had me at his sudden realisation that Agnes Wickfield was the woman he loved- I can just imagine the bemused, confused, gorgeous look on his face as he professed his love for Agnes at the end of a highly abridged rapid reader book I read in high school. In a typical happily-ever after romance, David and Agnes were believed to have a long and happy marriage.
Hands up if you ever dreamed that your proposal included the following words, “You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you” or “You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. And wish from this day forth never to be parted from you.” These words were uttered by faint Colin Firth er…I mean, Mr. Darcy. The quintessential crush from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Darcy has withstood the test of time and I consider him as a serious competitor to my more recent fictional crushes. Tall and broody with ne’er a smile on his face, his smouldering looks are enough to make any girl swoon. That he admired Lizzie Bennett for who she was and changed his snobbish ways for her, acknowledging that he was indeed a snooty member of peerage with superiority issues, makes one quite forgive him for being such a jerk. That, and the fact that he rescues her younger sister from Mr. Wickham in full Bollywood ishtyle!
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With the dawn of cable TV and the plethora of movies and TV series I was now allowed to watch, my ideas of Romance and crushes moved away from typical fairy-tale princes to more real-life (TV) men. Surprisingly or not, physical attributes still influenced my definition of attractive but a typical crush would be a mix- and- match of Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse and Joey from Full House and Ross, Joey, Chandler from FRIENDS and these men would be reflected while conjuring up images of characters from the books that I read (mostly historical fiction involving Dukes and Lords and Viscounts, sigh!).
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Yet, it was also the personalities that shaped these characters that also influenced my view of Mr. Right. After all, it isn’t being the oldest son with good looks and a large inheritance that works in the 21st century, is it? Bring on the orphan who had to work hard to achieve both a sense of belonging and achievement in his life or the adventurer whose passion for well, adrenalin-filled experience s highlighted qualities such as grit, determination, integrity and self-actualisation.
On the other hand, books have shaped me into being the strong female protagonist of my own life, someone in control of her own destiny, confident, sassy and powerful in her own right. I mean, who hasn’t imagined and modelled herself after Lizzie Bennet and many other female protagonists?
Though it isn’t the only reason, I believe that fictional crushes and romances had a major part to play in my journey as a bibliophile. Every character (male or female) embodies traits and qualities that one admires or aspires to have- both, physical and intellectual. And although one may be weirded out by the fact that the characters we crush on are not real, they may even just be real! For don’t authors claim to model their characters (partially or wholly) on either themselves or someone they know? That means that the characters may be made-up but their personalities, temperaments, physical characteristics and emotions are not. And don’t our brains automatically attune themselves to these characteristics and we find ourselves more drawn to some characters and not others?
And as I write this, I have at least another 50 fictional crushes that keep popping in my head. Sometimes, like one of the online forums I visit, I do wonder if it is normal to have fictional crushes. And the answer rhetorically is, does it really matter?
—- — —
It’s just a little crush
Not like I faint every time we touch
It’s just some little thing
Not like everything I do depends on you
— — —I smile to myself, in cahoots with my pre-teen self as I am transported to a time where curled up in revrie I gazed into the eyes of Julian, my fictional crush, leading his team on Famous Five adventures. Oh, to have been marooned on Kirrin island without the pesky other four!